How many of you have experienced this phenomenon called “THE EMPTY NEST?” Do you feel a conflicted empty nest distress over the sudden quiet in your household as your children move on to the next steps of life? THE DREADED EMPTY NEST SYNDROME, right?
The synonyms for a syndrome are: disorder, condition, malady, symptoms, set of symptoms, characteristics, diagnostic, ailment, disease, symptom, problem, sickness. This label did not sound right to me. So I chose the word distress. Distress is defined as: pain, worry, vexation, disquiet, anxiety, sorrow, torment, calamitous, agony.
Okay. What I’m feeling is closer to this. Yet, I am conflicted by joy, a sense of pride, a job well done, excitement for these next steps, a sense of relief, ability to focus on my spouse, opportunity for selfish pursuits again, opportunity for travel, etc.
Such a conflicting time in our parenting lives.
Have you also experience this gambit of emotions that roll over us parents in waves of worrying distress and alternately in peaks of joy at the goals being achieved by our children? Is this disquiet in our hearts simultaneous with abundant nurturing love normal emotions? So many highs and lows all at the same time, right?
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“I wish I could freeze time or go back in time and watch my kids grow up all over again because it is just going by too fast.”
—Robert Rodriquez
Well, I have now dropped off both of my boys to college. First my older son in 2019, and last week my baby. It was easier this time AND harder. Having already gone through this routine, I knew what was coming. However, this is my baby. My youngest was still at home the first time that I sobbed at COSTCO in the laundry detergent aisle about an hour after dropping my oldest off. I could still hug my baby. This time there is only my husband and I.
It’s hard! Our house is so quiet. The chaos has settled. I miss the chaos of life that drove me insane at times. The multiple conversations that occurred simultaneously on top of each other, you know what I mean! That comfortableness that a family experiences within it’s micro culture that no else really “gets!” Those silly nuances that make us giggle because we can have a whole conversation without speaking a word and each knows exactly what the other is thinking! FAMILY!
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving”.
—Albert Einstein
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
RELATIONSHIPS
RELATIONSHIPS OF A PARENT AND A CHILD…how many of us have found ourselves overwhelmed as parents? We navigate our way through the toughest job, with no monetary reward, that eventually pays you back more in joy and fulfillment than any dollar earned ever could provide! This perplexing relationship with another human being that we hand shape into contributing members of society through years of socialization leaves us bereft when they suddenly leave the nest to pursue their own dreams.
WHAT!
YES, they leave!
It is a joy and a distress at the same time!
“To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you means you’ve done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own.
—Author Unknown
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
THE UPSET
HOW DID THIS UPSET HAPPEN?
The term UPSET implies the disturbance of normal or habitual functioning by disappointment, distress, or grief.
UPSET is the wrong word, but it is a very real emotion and function of our feelings! Our normal or habitual functioning, our routines, have been disrupted, distressed or grieved by their departure of our homes and by extension from our daily lives.
Can you relate to this concept in any of your relationships with your children when they were spreading their wings?
How did you feel after this interaction with your young adult as they flew the coop?
I remember a vacation to the ocean where we spent a whole afternoon building a massive sand castle village near the ocean shore. We patiently, lovingly taught our boys how to make the perfect mixture of sand and water to form the castles, towers, and village to their utter enjoyment all afternoon. It was a long, hot, process full of giggles and joy watching them have fun working together and with us alternately.
That evening the tide came in and we watched from our room balcony above as the sand castle was washed away. It was completely gone with no trace of the massive village the next morning. The village was gone, but the lessons of how to build another village and the fun that was shared to accomplish the goal remained. Construction commenced the next day on a better, bigger, and well placed village further away from the ocean edge on this re-build.
Isn’t this one of the messages of life? The circle of imparting knowledge, wisdom, and loving care that we all can tuck into our hearts. Nothing is forever, the only constant is change. It’s what we do within this time of change that matters and the shared love that we take with us to the next experience.
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
“Adolescence is perhaps nature’s way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.”
—Karen Savage and Patricia Adams
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
ADOLESCENCE – THE GREAT PREPARATION
I’ll never forget all the times that established boundaries were attempted to be pushed to allow for the adolescence wants and needs over the boundaries that were in place. Okay, Moms and Dads out there… we all know about pushed limits, right?
Over time, as parents, we start to loosen the reins in attempt for future preparation of independence. From walking them to the school bus for the first time to handing over the car keys at 16. Each step of letting go gets greater and harder for a parent while alternatively it heightens in excitement levels for the child.
The whole, “Sure, you can take the sportscar to pick up the prom date…” conversation is just a preparation for what is to come as each letting go step get more and more worrisome, right?
MATURITY DOES HAPPEN though! One moment you are pulling out your hair, frustrated because it seems like the blood is not traveling North in their bodies to help the brain function when making decisions that have left us perplexed when no common sense is being used.
The next moment a clear maturity moment happens and you just know! Especially, when it is consistently happening that they are making shockingly intelligent decisions full of maturity. As parents, we suddenly feel very accomplished and proud of these humans that are emulating how they were truly socialized by their environment and reflecting the morals and character that you’ve been imparting to them for a life time. YAHOO!!!
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
“When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they’re not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They’re upset because they’ve gone from supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator. It’s like being the vice president of the United States.”
—Erma Bombeck
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
NEXT STEPS NATURALLY HAPPEN
“Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back and reasons to stay.”
—The Dalai Lama
Great parenting leads to great children spreading their wings! BE ENCOURAGING! NURTURE THESE STEPS!
It is perfectly acceptable to revisit the Montessori training you learned when they were in pre-school. You know the technique! The child asks you another in the line of the millionth question… instead of answering the query to display your extensive intelligence, you respond to the child by rephrasing the question back to them. Challenge them to think for themselves in ALL phases of life, especially now!
Yes, you challenge them to investigate the answer for themselves instead of providing the answer. Always, pose the question back to them. “I wonder why….? This technique transitions you into a cultivator of consultation and guidance to lead them to the correct answer or advice without giving them the answer. When they land on the answer that you led them towards, they embrace the answer because they landed on it without you telling them what to do! Congratulations you are now their consultant…not the domineering parent who is ALWAYS right (in their eyes.) CHEERS TO YOU FOR PARENTING THESE INCREDIBLE HUMAN BEINGS!
WHEW! Yes, kick your feet up with a bottle of wine after they leave again! 🙂
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
“A wise parent humors the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor when his absolute rule shall cease.”
—Elizabeth Gaskell
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
ADVICE
“The biggest change for me as a mom was realizing I needed to put someone else before me. Now the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first.”
—Kim Alexis
Change is necessary. Change is a constant part of life. Change will never cease to happen. Evolve. Create new routines. Block time for yourself. Find a hobby or a volunteer organization to fill that void in your time schedule that you now observe.
Be the consultant, listen well without interrupting. Offer advice only after leading a sentence with, “Well, what do you think…”
Encourage financial independence within their budget initially and grow this concept to full financial independence after they land that first REAL job. Children need to have “skin” in the game to understand the value of how we responsibly spend our money. Life is not a free ride provided by others.
GARDEN! Take time to smell the roses! Figure out what makes you happy. Remember before you had children…yes way back…what did you do with your free time then? What were your selfish pursuits?
TAKE UP GARDENING
“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”
—Joyce Maynard
CONFLICTED EMPTY NEST DISTRESS
MAKE A BUCKET LIST
Reinvent yourself!
Now is the time! If there is something that you have always wanted to do or try…DO IT!
My passion is travel! SO, I am creating a list of places that I really want to explore!
Maybe yours is a new career or a hobby that brings you great joy! TRY IT! What do you have to lose? Start a new routine with gusto and do not dwell on missing your child. Your relationship will grow and evolve naturally with them in a new and better way as they watch you to see how you will navigate this new chapter of your life separate from them!
DO NOT WORRY OR FEAR!
FEAR. One of the enemy’s most popular weapons that he uses against us. Worry, anxiety, stress, fear…can overwhelm us with a thick shadow of darkness, controlling our every move and decision. We tend to stay in our comfortable circles of life. Bust out and try something new.
GOD’S WORD says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~Isaiah 41-10
DAILY, we each get to choose how we will proceed that day. Choose wisely. Incorporate God into that daily choice to help chart your new routine.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~Phillipians 4:6-7
This unique circumstance of being an EMPTY NESTER also provides us as a culture the opportunity to turn it around to God’s glory. We can choose to respond in a way to make a difference. What would God have you do? How as a culture in your community can you turn negativity around to something positive today? Definitely something to consider when you view it through God’s eyes!
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Leave me a reply below with experiences you have witnessed and how you chose to respond. Have you experienced dysfunction towards yourself or a loved one? I challenge you to perform a random act of kindness and report it below! REPLY BELOW!
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A 1993 graduate of Michigan State University, Barbara earned a BS in Social Science Pre-Law. She is a Business Manager/HR Director. Her passion is travel, discovering new places, experiences, cuisine, cultures while enjoying temperate climates. Barbara is a newly transitioning empty-nester who became a travel blogger. She’s a great photographer, talented writer, and has a great family to highlight in her adventures.
TRAVEL BLOG🛩 * ADVENTURE🛶 * INSPIRATION🌞
Thanks for exploring our travel blog! We hope to assist you in your next adventure through learning from ours! We are transitioning empty-nesters perpetually seeking our next luxury snorkeling adventure! Daily God’s awe inspiring inspiration surrounds us with all of His natural beauty in every direction if we but slow down to observe. Take a moment each day to ENJOY!
I have never felt this but I believe my mom did once my brother and I moved out. I remember talking to her about how she was feeling with a new empty nest!
I can only imagine all the changes that come with being an empty nester! I’m sure you have done a great job raising your boys, though, and they will go on to do great things.
I’m tearing up as I read this because I totally get the conflicted empty nest distress! First after our son went to college…and then two weeks ago when we moved him into his apartment. This time feels even more permanent because he isn’t coming home on weekends or school breaks. I miss the chaos and the laughter and noise of all his friends. So quiet…too quiet. But my husband and I are adjusting again.
I can totally relate to conflicted empty nest distress! My kids are all adults, and it’s mixed feelings about seeing them grow up and move on. I love your tips for what to do with the next part of life. I’m all about travel too! That’s my plan.
Good info! I have a twenty-four-year-old and an (almost!) thirteen-year-old. Because of this gap, I feel like it has prolonged all phases of childhood. I think my youngest may hit me harder when the time comes.
One thing I’m feeling right now is that I don’t want to spend all my time at work, that I want to enjoy life with my family and various hobbies. I told a co-worker today that I didn’t want to look back at my life with those regrets, so I’m working harder than ever to keep work at work and not let it bleed over into other areas of my life. I’m a work in progress–ha!
Ditto! I have been trying very hard to dial it back too! I want to do more exploring and establish more passive income sources…find a better balance! I will always work because I enjoy it, but I want it to be on my terms (more hybrid?) for how much time I give that portion!
I needed to read this! I’m not a parent but my mother is going through the empty nest distress because of my “little” brother finally leaving her house and this post helped me to empathized and understand her from another perspective.
It is such a great moment of accomplishment in all your hopes and dreams for your child to fly successfully, yet a deep sadness as you are no longer “really” needed in that same way. Transitions…
I was fortunate in that all three of my kids went to our hometown university. So they were home longer. And then one by one they moved out, married and had families of their own. We’ve all gone through similar experiences as now the oldest grandson went to university away from home and even spent two years in Russia, while pursuing his education. It’s definitely an adjustment time.
I wonder if my parents had empty nest distress. I would hope they would feel accomplished that they raised wonderful children that can take care of themselves.
It is ok to feel conflicted when faced with empty nest distress. There are so many feelings that rush in when that moment happens. Lisa has faced it and while she does have her moments at times, in the long run, it is so rewarding knowing that you did your best in teaching the kiddos right from wrong and giving them what they need to succeed.
This is such an inspiration to so many mothers struggling with these emotions. Thank you for your insight and vulnerability! Reinventing yourself sounds like a great tip
Ohhh I really needed to read this today! My son is a senior in High School and will be off to college at the end of the summer and those pangs of Empty Nest Syndrome and the worries….oh the worries!!!…..just keep me up at night sometimes. My daughter is a Sophomore in High School and I realize how quickly the next two years will be going by and then I’ll truly have an Empty Nest. Nothing really prepares us for it, does it? I appreciate your words, honesty, and take on Empty Nesting…it helps to read! 🙂
I’m so glad you were able to “hear” me. Parenting is no easy feat. Navigating these more complicated parental issues is draining and so rewarding at the same time. Hang in there! We are all in this together!
Yup, yup and yup. Went through all those conflicting emotions when we became empty nesters. I do have to say, though, over a year later, we are having fun reinventing what our lives will look like for the next chapters!
I appreciate confirmation that I am not the only one who has gone through these conflicting emotions, and I appreciate you chiming in that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a mirage!
While it’s not empty nest distress, I know that gambit of emotions you speak of because my kid went to kindergarten. Totally different, but similar experiences of sadness and joy!
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29 Comments
Megan
Being an empty nester seems like such a big change, just like having a first baby. Everything takes such mental preparation.
Barbara Robinson
It sure does! This complete disruption to our world is inevitable and joyous just like then too!
Catherine
I have never felt this but I believe my mom did once my brother and I moved out. I remember talking to her about how she was feeling with a new empty nest!
Barbara Robinson
It is such a high and low moment at the same time for a parent!
Alicia
I can only imagine all the changes that come with being an empty nester! I’m sure you have done a great job raising your boys, though, and they will go on to do great things.
Barbara Robinson
YES! THAT is the great conflict. What’s the alternative that they live with us forever…:)
Kristi
This is definitely a tremendous change in our lives. I love all the quotes throughout your post as these ring home with me!
kmf
I’m tearing up as I read this because I totally get the conflicted empty nest distress! First after our son went to college…and then two weeks ago when we moved him into his apartment. This time feels even more permanent because he isn’t coming home on weekends or school breaks. I miss the chaos and the laughter and noise of all his friends. So quiet…too quiet. But my husband and I are adjusting again.
Barbara Robinson
Thanks for chiming in! I appreciate that others know exactly the feeling and understand.
Kristen Allred
I can totally relate to conflicted empty nest distress! My kids are all adults, and it’s mixed feelings about seeing them grow up and move on. I love your tips for what to do with the next part of life. I’m all about travel too! That’s my plan.
Barbara Robinson
I appreciate knowing others are feeling the same transition feelings. I’m not alone! Appreciate your honesty!
Fransic verso
This is interesting, I think making a bucket list is important. Thank you for sharing these great tips!
Stacey Billingsley
Good info! I have a twenty-four-year-old and an (almost!) thirteen-year-old. Because of this gap, I feel like it has prolonged all phases of childhood. I think my youngest may hit me harder when the time comes.
One thing I’m feeling right now is that I don’t want to spend all my time at work, that I want to enjoy life with my family and various hobbies. I told a co-worker today that I didn’t want to look back at my life with those regrets, so I’m working harder than ever to keep work at work and not let it bleed over into other areas of my life. I’m a work in progress–ha!
Barbara Robinson
Ditto! I have been trying very hard to dial it back too! I want to do more exploring and establish more passive income sources…find a better balance! I will always work because I enjoy it, but I want it to be on my terms (more hybrid?) for how much time I give that portion!
Yzzy
I needed to read this! I’m not a parent but my mother is going through the empty nest distress because of my “little” brother finally leaving her house and this post helped me to empathized and understand her from another perspective.
Barbara Robinson
It is such a great moment of accomplishment in all your hopes and dreams for your child to fly successfully, yet a deep sadness as you are no longer “really” needed in that same way. Transitions…
Cindy
I was fortunate in that all three of my kids went to our hometown university. So they were home longer. And then one by one they moved out, married and had families of their own. We’ve all gone through similar experiences as now the oldest grandson went to university away from home and even spent two years in Russia, while pursuing his education. It’s definitely an adjustment time.
Missy
I wonder if my parents had empty nest distress. I would hope they would feel accomplished that they raised wonderful children that can take care of themselves.
Julie Gaz
You nailed it, Conflicted Empty Nester Distress. I am in the same situation. I still try to schedule as much as I can with them.
Lisa, Casey, Barrett Dog
It is ok to feel conflicted when faced with empty nest distress. There are so many feelings that rush in when that moment happens. Lisa has faced it and while she does have her moments at times, in the long run, it is so rewarding knowing that you did your best in teaching the kiddos right from wrong and giving them what they need to succeed.
Nia
This is such an inspiration to so many mothers struggling with these emotions. Thank you for your insight and vulnerability! Reinventing yourself sounds like a great tip
Morayma
Ohhh I really needed to read this today! My son is a senior in High School and will be off to college at the end of the summer and those pangs of Empty Nest Syndrome and the worries….oh the worries!!!…..just keep me up at night sometimes. My daughter is a Sophomore in High School and I realize how quickly the next two years will be going by and then I’ll truly have an Empty Nest. Nothing really prepares us for it, does it? I appreciate your words, honesty, and take on Empty Nesting…it helps to read! 🙂
Barbara Robinson
I’m so glad you were able to “hear” me. Parenting is no easy feat. Navigating these more complicated parental issues is draining and so rewarding at the same time. Hang in there! We are all in this together!
Suzan
Yup, yup and yup. Went through all those conflicting emotions when we became empty nesters. I do have to say, though, over a year later, we are having fun reinventing what our lives will look like for the next chapters!
Barbara Robinson
I appreciate confirmation that I am not the only one who has gone through these conflicting emotions, and I appreciate you chiming in that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a mirage!
Megan
While it’s not empty nest distress, I know that gambit of emotions you speak of because my kid went to kindergarten. Totally different, but similar experiences of sadness and joy!
Barbara Robinson
Buckle up…take those feelings and multiply by 12 more years! 🙂
Tina
I love the tip about creating a bucket list and seeing it as an opportunity to do things you didn’t have time to do before.
Barbara Robinson
Thanks! I appreciate that you were encouraged!